This experience is actually what inspired me to start a blog in the first place. I had the most incredible time at my first Silent Retreat for a number of reasons.
NUMBER ONE - because I met some amazing people and formed connections with every single person that attended this retreat. And I've come to realize that the most powerful thing we can do for each other is listen and connect. And just because we were all in silence, doesn't mean we didn't connect with each other. We actually connected on a deeper level, quicker than I ever have.
NUMBER TWO - the land that is Xenia, is truly magical. Sitting with Opa, the 1000 year old Douglas Fir tree is so humbling and the beauty that you are surrounded by is hard to put into words. You just need to trust me and get yourself there so you can see what I mean ;)
NUMBER THREE - because I allowed myself the time to really WRITE. I've been writing in journals since I was in elementary school, but it's always been the same kind of journalling for me; sort of like a letter to a friend. Treating the journal as a person, like when you hadn't written in a while, you'd start your entry with "Heyyy you, sorry I haven't written in so long, life has been SO crazy. Here's what happened." There's nothing wrong with that kind of journalling, I actually think it's really helpful when you're a kid, to create a safe place that you can express things that you might not want to vocalize. But, I would only allow myself the time to write that catchup stuff, like "this happened yesterday, this happened today and now I'm going to bed, bye."
Until I participated in this Silent Retreat, I had never allowed myself to just reflect and record my current feelings or thoughts. This experience allowed me the time to record my feelings for two and a half days, in silence and let me tell you - you feel and think everything.
NUMBER FOUR - because I allowed myself to really FEEL. Feel everything that came to me. All my fear, shame, excitement, disappointment, spirituality, sadness and joy. I had no distractions here and really invested the time in figuring out the things that I have always pushed away. It was ultimately a weekend to get to know myself. After all, when you are alone with your thoughts, all you can do is listen.
~
In November of last year, I treated myself to a weekend I needed badly. More than once over the past few years, I have thought how amazing it would be to go on a yoga retreat, but I never found one that really spoke to me, but I also just never made it a priority. When I started battling my anxiety and depression, I thought this would be the best time to find a retreat that suited me. I needed to. I actively looked for a few months, and researched what kind of retreats were offered locally, and a lot of the ones I found seemed a little too hippy-dippy for my liking. I just wanted a nice space, to do my thing, and not have a highly scheduled weekend, jam packed with being forced to explain your problems to strangers & chanting together in circles.
That's when I found Xenia's Dynamic Silent Retreat on Bowen Island.
I was not looking to talk to anyone about my struggles, so absolute silence sounded great to me. I will admit, I was a little taken aback by the price of the weekend, to just be silent and not recieve any help or coaching. But I can't even describe to you how much it was worth every single dollar and how much the silence led the weekend. Oh, and by the way, it was NOT completely silent. The first night, I met 9 strangers (10 if you include Charlie, the resident, blind, pot-belly pig). We had a few hours together before the silence began, and we spent that time getting to know each other and talking about our struggles. *OH NO* Man oh man, this is my nightmare and I was panicking. The sharing was not forced though, we were told we could share as much or as little as we wanted to. I just figured, if I want to grow and make the most of this weekend, I need to FULLY open myself up to this experience.
So, open up I did! I let these 9 strangers into my world. They let me into theirs and it was incredible. So incredible to hear all of their stories, what they had been through, what they are currently struggling with, or that they were just here for a nice weekend away from the technological world. (Oh ya, also no cellphones allowed at Xenia, which was another great thing.)
Angelyn Toth is the gracious host at Xenia and she hosted the Opening Circle, where she walked us through the basic principles and rules of the retreat. She gave us a few pieces of advice, and the piece that stuck out for me was this:
“You need to empty your mind of all things negative & unnecessary in order to make room for positivity & love”
She also told us about a lovely woman named Saria, who would be our dedicated home cook for the weekend. She would always be in the kitchen lodge cooking and ensuring that there was food out for us at all hours of the day and night, which was truly amazing. She then went on to explain the rules. And there was only 2 rules for the weekend. No talking. (obviously) And the other rule was a bit strange to grasp at first. There is a small wooden cabin on the property called the Sanctuary for meditation and within that cabin is a candle that is lit when our silence begins. It is called 'holding the Vigil' and it is basically the light that always must be burning while the silence is upon us.
The rule is that at least 1 person ALWAYS has to be in the Sanctuary holding the Vigil. All day and all throughout the night. So you could be in there for 5 minutes before someone else shows up to relieve you, or you could be in there for hours -- alone, in complete silence.
So back to the Opening Circle... we sat in this big, magical yurt, passing around the talking stick and telling our stories. We passed the talking stick around for about 5 rotations, until no one had anything left to say and then, the silence had officially entered the room.
Since we arrived on Bowen quite late that evening, Angelyn decided that we could choose if we wanted to begin the Vigil experience that night or if we wanted to begin holding Vigil at 7am tomorrow morning, and we all opted for 7am. It was quite late, around midnight by the time I went to my cabin, so I wasn't sure who would be up at 7am to get to the Sanctuary, but it probably wasn't going to be me. Almost everyone had their own accommodation (private cottages, yurts and cabins) but I had a roommate, and she turned out to be the best connection I could have possibly made the whole weekend. We both went to sleep after a bit of journaling and trying to communicate to each other with hand movements, facial expressions and giggles.
I slept well. The bed was comfy and I felt so content and safe.
When I opened my eyes, I looked outside at the pale blueish-grey sky and knew that it was morning, but wasn't sure exactly how early it was. I know we're not supposed to use our phones, but I was using mine on airplane mode to take photos. I grab my phone to look at the time and I cannot believe my eyes.
My phone says 7:00am, on the dot.
Now, I am not a super spiritual person by any means, but THIS means something. There is something incredible happening here, happening to me and I couldn't have been more excited to brush my teeth, throw on clothes and quickly make my way to the Sanctuary. My eyes filled with tears as I walked through the beautiful, ancient forest on my way to the Sanctuary.
Is this the moment I have been waiting for?
The answer is yes.
I'm going to leave it there for now. If you're intrigued, stayed tuned. I will soon be writing a second post about what happened during the next 2 days, and what happened in the silence.
