"I slept well. The bed was comfy and I felt so content & safe.
When I opened my eyes, I looked outside at the pale blueish-grey sky and knew that it was morning, but wasn't sure exactly how early it was. I know we're not supposed to use our phones, but I was using mine on airplane mode to take photos. I grab my phone to look at the time and I cannot believe my eyes.
My phone says 7:00am, on the dot.
Now, I would not say that I am not a super spiritual person, but THIS means something. Angelyn told us we would begin the Sanctuary Vigil at 7am but I figured I should sleep in a bit, so didn't want to set an alarm. There is something incredible happening here, happening to me and I couldn't have been more excited to brush my teeth, throw on clothes and quickly make my way to the Sanctuary. My eyes filled with tears as I walked through the beautiful, ancient forest on my way to the Sanctuary.
Is this the moment I have been waiting for?
The answer is yes."
~
The feeling that flooded in at that moment is hard to put into words, but I think the best way I can describe it as, is that it's the most connected to a moment I have ever felt.
As I walked out of Maple cabin and headed to the Sanctuary, I couldn't help but notice all of the beauty and character surrounding me. Directly outside of my cabin on a big tree branch was a handmade wind chime made of recycled metals; maybe part of a baking sheet or something. It is really apparent that everything here is handmade with love and intention. The garden beside the lodge is lit up with nice string lights and it looks very inviting but I just know that I have to get to the Sanctuary first thing this morning.
So... I broke my vow of silence already.
BUT in my defense, I was walking by Charlie, the massive & blind pot-belly pig and I did not want to startle him, so I said 'Hi Charlie!!'. Goodness gracious, I suck at this.
And there is comes. The wave of frustration, disappointment and shame. As I walked to the Sanctuary I was overcome with these feelings and suddenly found myself feeling unworthy; not good enough.
'How could I not have the discipline to stay silent?'
'I bet the others aren't going to slip up.'
'I feel like a phony.'
But then one of my voices inside that I don't hear from often said
'You are not perfect, you are allowed to make mistakes and you cannot be hard on yourself here.'
'The vulnerability and openness that you displayed last night to these strangers was impactful and brave, don't let this stupid slip up ruin your whole experience.'
So that was that. I chose to open myself up to those feelings, feel those feelings & accept those feelings, but then I chose to move on from those feelings. So important.
When I got to the sanctuary, Angelyn was meditating inside. We made eye contact, smiled, and sat with each other in silence. It was SO quiet. All I could hear was the wood-burning fireplace crackling, my pen against the paper of my journal, my hand sliding across the page and my grumbling tummy. I was in such a rush to get here, that I forgot to eat breakfast! Then I started to panic. 'What if Angelyn leaves and then nobody comes for 2 hours?' It is strange to feel such responsibility to be in here, even if it's just sitting here, BEING here. Angelyn left and a lady named Elinor came in. Elinor was the nicest lady and was the type of person who felt the need to be a caretaker in every situation. I don't want to leave her alone but my stomach is BEGGING for food. Tammy (my roomie) came in, found a big black spider, opened to door to try to shoo it out, and then it gets lost in the rug/ pillow set-up that we were sitting on. Grrreat. Gonna take this as my opportunity to leave.
Back at the lodge, Saria is finishing up her beautiful breakfast spread. I had a piece of cheese & spinach quiche, some hot homemade oatmeal with apples & walnuts and some yogurt granola & berries. Eating like a QUEEN! I decided to take my coffee outside and go for a little walk to Opa, the 1,000 year old tree. On the path from the Lodge to Opa, there was a small field and a barn with 2 horses. Opa is also right next to the Sanctuary. I was tempted to go into the Sanctuary to see if someone needs to be relieved, but instead, I stick to my plan and drink my coffee with my blanket on a bench in front of Opa. Just as I am about to get up, a deer crosses my path and we just stare at each other for about 30 seconds. I head back to the lodge to put my mug away and then back to Maple cabin to get ready for my adventure.
When we first got here, Angelyn explained how there is a lake called Honeymoon Lake quite close to this property and it's a bit of a hike to get there. She had maps back at the Lodge for us to use if we wanted but I just thought, I am always SO heavily reliant on Google Maps, that I JUST wanted to explore and see where my feet could take me, without a map for once. All I knew was that it was up the main logging road out back. After 2 wrong paths taken, I finally found the one that led up the mountain. I heard a sound coming from the forest to my left and when I looked over, there was a deer staring RIGHT into my eyes. We stood there for about a minute before I decided to continue on, she didn't run from me at all and it felt really nice. There were quite a few switchbacks and I quickly started to feel a bit panicked. I had never really hiked alone before, so my motivation to get to the top was a little lacking. Eventually I got to the top, at Honeymoon Lake and I was a little disappointed. It was a reservoir lake, so it wasn't as pretty and magical as I'd imagined it would be. Because of my disappointment, I wasn't ready to just settle for that as my adventure. I spotted another area to climb and get on top of these massive rock formations. Why are we so quick to default to discontentment? I pondered this afterwards of course, but at the time, I just wanted more. Getting up onto the rocks was difficult. They were moss-covered which made it hard to know where to put your next step but when I got to the top it was beautiful up there. It was the kind of untouched, not-maintained kind of beauty. As I started my descent, I realized I was not on the same path as when I came up.
Panic. Fear. Doubt. Stupidity.
I was really hard on myself up there and couldn't help but to envision Angelyn having to make a call to my parents saying that I got lost or I hurt myself badly or something. Dramatic, I know, but that's an indicator of how wild my thoughts can get sometimes. I continued to feel panicked as I hiked down and I felt kind of hopeless until I walked up to this tree. It was crazy, all of its branches were pointing to the right and there was an arching branch in front of it, as if to say "this is the way to go". Suddenly I didn't feel lost anymore, I felt confident and more sure of myself. This was was definitely a longer path, and I ended up on a random road but I was only a short walk from the entrance of Xenia.
Feeling a little depleted from that experience, I decided I needed to feel some positivity so I walked over to the Labyrinth. I saw Doctor David there and he seemed to be praying at the heart of the Labyrinth. I sat on a bench and watched him for a while, and as time went on, he began walking around the Labyrinth path very slowly. He seemed to stop a little bit after each step he took and that's when the idea hit me.
When I take my turn in the Labyrinth, I will walk around it slowly and each step I take, I will think of one thing I am grateful for. Person, thing, feeling, experience - everything. Right now I need to get myself to the Sanctuary cause I haven't been there since this morning!
When I got to the Sanctuary, I decided to give Angelyn's "you need to empty your mind of all things that may be hindering your journey" thought. It led me to some of the biggest realizations about my life, what I need to try to change and what I need to face & work through.
I have struggled with anxiety for so many years, and I was pretty desperate to get to the bottom of why and how I developed this. Growing up, I was a competitive dancer, I won the Drama award in grade 8 and I was always pretty outgoing. I always viewed being a perfectionist as a positive thing and now I don't wish it on my worst enemy. It's an irrational fear that you feed to yourself. That you will never be good enough or what you do or say will never be good enough. Now, I get anxious in various social situations in fear of judgement, and I actually assume I know what people think of me. It's absolutely crazy, and it's absolutely debilitating. This is the main thing that I worked to get to the bottom of this weekend.
Reading the book "The Gifts of Imperfection - Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are" by Brené Brown has changed my life. This book is everything to me. Every chapter, there was something I could relate to. This book introduced me to the idea of shame and how we can let shame take over by not dealing with those feelings directly. I could go on and on about this book, but basically, it was my inspiration for the weekend. I read over half of it by this point at Xenia and I wrote in my journal a lot about it.
The rest of my day was spent in the Sanctuary journaling, colouring, then eating a delicious home-cooked meal by Saria and hiding out from the rain. At about 9pm my roomie and I were in our cabin writing notes on paper back and forth, trying to communicate how we felt about the pressure to be in the Sanctuary throughout the night. Tammy was pretty set on not going at all during the night because she came here to relax away from her kids and job, and get some good sleep. Me on the other hand? I came here to work on myself and push my boundaries. So was I going to go during the night? Hell yes I was.
At 10pm I head to the Sanctuary with my blanket and flashlight and I am fully prepared to sleep in there. Renee is in there and she is meditating. I get comfy on the opposite side of her and close my eyes. It is beautiful to be in here in the dark - the wood burning fireplace is on, and all I can hear is the crackling of the wood, and I can see from the slight ambience that the fire is giving off. A few more people come and go, to my surprise, but at 12:30am, I decide to call it a night and head back to my cabin.
The next morning at about 9am, I head right to the Sanctuary again. This is the last day and I am feeling a lot of things. I felt guilt for not staying in there later than 12:30 last night, I felt sad that it was coming to an end, and I felt anxious about how we would close this whole thing out. I grabbed an orange and a coffee from the kitchen and enjoyed that in the Sanctuary.
While reading my book, I wrote out some of the quotes from it that I really connected with:
“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.”
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are so flawed that we are unworthy of love & belonging.”
“To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgement and blame; develop shame resilience and practice self-compassion.”
Around 11:30, I needed real food so I headed over and enjoyed fresh a sweet potatoe/ cheese/ spinach quiche and a freshly baked berry muffin. Man, I am going to miss Saria's cooking. After I finished eating, I packed up all my things and layered up in my rain gear. It was raining pretty hard, but I had something very special that I still needed to do.
The labyrinth walk.
When I got there, I was alone.
Perfect.
I did an initial walk around the entire thing, and it took me 573 steps to complete the circle. So, I would be calling out 573 things that I was grateful for when I walked around it again. Could there be that many things?
As I began walking, I called out all of the obvious things and people in my life that I am close to. And of course I included silly things like mashed potatoes, mountains, fuzzy socks and forks! But as I walked more and more steps, I dug a little bit deeper. I started naming people who had come into my life for maybe a very short while but still made an impact on my life and I named places that I visited where I had left little bits of my heart at. When I took my final step, I had the biggest, most genuine smile on my face. I felt SO FULL OF LOVE it was bursting out of my eyes. I was pretty soaking wet as well because it was raining hard, but I felt so alive in this moment. I remember it so vividly that it brings tears to my eyes even now still.
And then that was it. 2pm and we were all to meet at the big yurt for the closing circle.
I didn't feel even a quarter as anxious as I did when we did the opening circle. I felt full of life, love and new perspectives.
We passed the talking stick around the circle and shared our experiences with each other. Tammy talked very openly and her dialogue was beautiful and raw. She looked over at me and called me Peetsy (which is her nickname for her daughter) and began to describe how much I remind her of a young her and how proud of me she is for being so open and wise at a young age. Our connection can't be explained and I will treasure my moments with her forever. Steve explained his special interactions with the wildlife in the past, and here during the retreat. Ravens, eagles, deer and even rabbits. And when he was speaking, we saw a buck peer in through one of the windows at him. It was incredible. David apologized for being unavailable the whole time, he was in a deep mindset of no looking, no touching, no acknowledging - just deep thoughts. Maria shared her past struggles with addiction and it was amazing to hear her be so open and accepting of herself. Renee spoke of her experience searching for her "guides" - she was on a very nature-driven spiritual journey. Then there was me! I shared my hiking story, my labyrinth story and just the sheer amount of progress I made in my self-love journey.
I ended my story with this:
"No one is too busy or doesn't have enough time in the day.
People have priorities and we need to ensure that our priorities are in line with our needs."
REAL TALK:
This silent retreat was exactly what I needed. I needed to give myself the gift of time to reflect & learn about myself in a setting where I was kind of forced to deal with the things that I discovered head-on. In my experience, medicating myself in an effort to "fix" my anxiety and depression was the worst thing I could have done. I felt more detached from myself than I ever have and I felt inauthentic to the core. It was definitely a struggle coming off of the medication that I was on and I suffered from serious side effects. Not to mention the increased anxiety afterwards because I realized that my "solution" had been nothing but a bandaid to a much larger problem. Shortly after I was free of the meds, I came to Xenia and I cannot describe to you the value that I found in all of this. All you need to do is be open with yourself, have patience with yourself and try to feel love for yourself.
This land will always have a special place in my heart.
